Reckless Love
There's a rumor out there about faith and spirituality. It tells us that on the day you make the choice to give your life up to Christ, God, Buddha, Adonai, Jah, etc. things falls into place automatically. It tells us that our Higher Power will take care of us. It tells us to remove worries from our hearts.
Wouldn't the world be a much easier place to live in if all of those things occurred? The only problem is that I would be hard-pressed to find a person who could flip a switch like that. I mean, anyone who has stood in line at an ATM on a chilly day or enjoyed a romantic dinner next to a table of screaming toddlers and exhausted parents knows that feeling inconvenienced or annoyed could be a moment away.
When I surrendered my life over in April 2015, it was incredibly difficult because I forgot one critical aspect. I AM STILL HUMAN. I have a brain, experiences, physical scars, and emotional wounds. I have created defense mechanisms and my brain tells me subliminal messages about myself, people, and the world that are products of my upbringing and my DNA. When people surrender their lives over to a higher power, they are about to embark on the greatest journey they ever could imagine. My point: growing your relationship with God is a life-long process that is imperfect, just like us.
But, it doesn't come without struggle, especially for those of us with baggage. I am a person with lots of baggage. There was a time in my life where I sinned knowingly, willingly, and without question. I have disrespected myself and my body. I have hurt other people. I have been proud, greedy, and gluttonous. I have lied and cheated. I have let Evil win over and over again.
When I turned 26 and decided to focus on a cause bigger than myself through taking over the nonprofit organization I run today, I didn't know I was choosing to do what my soul was asking for. Live4Lali is a labor of love that started out of heartache and is maintained through passion. We help people who struggle with substance use, their loved ones, and communities that are trying to serve them. We do it through action, support, education, and harm reduction. When I stepped into this role I just wanted to see the opioid epidemic end so other families didn't have to lose their loved ones from overdose or suffer from an addiction like mine did. I was able to do some good and in doing so, overturn the injustices I felt many times throughout my life. I was able to stand up for myself in a public way by standing up for others. I was able to unknowingly make a statement to people who called me fat or made fun of birthmarks on my neck when I was a kid, "No, you will not silence me. No, you will not make me feel less than." The confidence I felt by helping others has improved my relationship with myself. It took 8 years, but it worked.
The work was brutal at first. No one wanted to talk about heroin let alone fight for the lives of people who used it. As our movement grew, our voices and stories grew louder. The public began to understand the origins of the opioid epidemic. Leaders and decision-makers were left with no choice but to face us and take us seriously. While the results are nowhere near perfect, in fact, the epidemic has gotten worse since we started, it has opened up a societal conversation about what we as humans do with shame, guilt, vulnerability, loss, anger, fear, and everything the enemy wants us to feel. It has created spaces to feel safe, and an uprising in support for other social issues. It has allowed us to understand what happens when we sit and watch damage occur all around us, in us, for us, by us. Out of good comes bad, and out of bad comes good; round and round it goes.
This work allowed me to heal and I am still healing. I am addicted to the work I do because it feeds my soul. And that's how I feel about God and why I am so committed to seeking Him always. Admittedly, two years after I chose this new life with God, I am still pushing Him away. My natural inclinations to control and fix keep me distant some days, yet other days I might pray literally all day.
Last week was Baptism Weekend at our church, Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL. My fiancee', Matt, and I, attended as we do every weekend, and of course, I immediately felt guilty because I had not been Baptized since I converted at 15. I thought, "After all of that sinning, isn't it time?" But then Bethel Music came out, and as usual, they were incredible. Whether or not you are a Christian, their music is true magnificence that anyone can enjoy. They played a newer song, "Reckless Love", and I thought I would share it with all of you. It's everything I feel right now. I want it, I need it, I push it away, I take it again, and I push it away again. Surrender is everything but it is so hard sometimes. It's something we all so desperately need, but something our own humanity challenges us with.
If you pray, please pray for my ability to surrender and to give my anxiety away to God. After all, as they sing, "He chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine." If you aren't familiar with scripture, the ninety-nine refers to Matthew 18:12, where Jesus asks, "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" We are all worth God's love.
If you struggle with this, please let me know. I'd love to hear from some of you whether you believe or not. Surrendering doesn't have to be to God. It can be something much bigger than you, the universe, a tree, Justin Beiber, etc. Whatever moves you is important.
Enjoy His Reckless Love...
Wouldn't the world be a much easier place to live in if all of those things occurred? The only problem is that I would be hard-pressed to find a person who could flip a switch like that. I mean, anyone who has stood in line at an ATM on a chilly day or enjoyed a romantic dinner next to a table of screaming toddlers and exhausted parents knows that feeling inconvenienced or annoyed could be a moment away.
When I surrendered my life over in April 2015, it was incredibly difficult because I forgot one critical aspect. I AM STILL HUMAN. I have a brain, experiences, physical scars, and emotional wounds. I have created defense mechanisms and my brain tells me subliminal messages about myself, people, and the world that are products of my upbringing and my DNA. When people surrender their lives over to a higher power, they are about to embark on the greatest journey they ever could imagine. My point: growing your relationship with God is a life-long process that is imperfect, just like us.
When I turned 26 and decided to focus on a cause bigger than myself through taking over the nonprofit organization I run today, I didn't know I was choosing to do what my soul was asking for. Live4Lali is a labor of love that started out of heartache and is maintained through passion. We help people who struggle with substance use, their loved ones, and communities that are trying to serve them. We do it through action, support, education, and harm reduction. When I stepped into this role I just wanted to see the opioid epidemic end so other families didn't have to lose their loved ones from overdose or suffer from an addiction like mine did. I was able to do some good and in doing so, overturn the injustices I felt many times throughout my life. I was able to stand up for myself in a public way by standing up for others. I was able to unknowingly make a statement to people who called me fat or made fun of birthmarks on my neck when I was a kid, "No, you will not silence me. No, you will not make me feel less than." The confidence I felt by helping others has improved my relationship with myself. It took 8 years, but it worked.
The work was brutal at first. No one wanted to talk about heroin let alone fight for the lives of people who used it. As our movement grew, our voices and stories grew louder. The public began to understand the origins of the opioid epidemic. Leaders and decision-makers were left with no choice but to face us and take us seriously. While the results are nowhere near perfect, in fact, the epidemic has gotten worse since we started, it has opened up a societal conversation about what we as humans do with shame, guilt, vulnerability, loss, anger, fear, and everything the enemy wants us to feel. It has created spaces to feel safe, and an uprising in support for other social issues. It has allowed us to understand what happens when we sit and watch damage occur all around us, in us, for us, by us. Out of good comes bad, and out of bad comes good; round and round it goes.
This work allowed me to heal and I am still healing. I am addicted to the work I do because it feeds my soul. And that's how I feel about God and why I am so committed to seeking Him always. Admittedly, two years after I chose this new life with God, I am still pushing Him away. My natural inclinations to control and fix keep me distant some days, yet other days I might pray literally all day.
Last week was Baptism Weekend at our church, Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL. My fiancee', Matt, and I, attended as we do every weekend, and of course, I immediately felt guilty because I had not been Baptized since I converted at 15. I thought, "After all of that sinning, isn't it time?" But then Bethel Music came out, and as usual, they were incredible. Whether or not you are a Christian, their music is true magnificence that anyone can enjoy. They played a newer song, "Reckless Love", and I thought I would share it with all of you. It's everything I feel right now. I want it, I need it, I push it away, I take it again, and I push it away again. Surrender is everything but it is so hard sometimes. It's something we all so desperately need, but something our own humanity challenges us with.
If you pray, please pray for my ability to surrender and to give my anxiety away to God. After all, as they sing, "He chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine." If you aren't familiar with scripture, the ninety-nine refers to Matthew 18:12, where Jesus asks, "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?" We are all worth God's love.
Enjoy His Reckless Love...
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