Journey to "I Do": I Said "Yes" To the Dress and "No" to the Dress Shop

Oh, Lord, give me strength. I've prayed about this for the past nine days, which is weird for me because I make decisions pretty quickly. I'm a very "decided" person. But, this one really knocked me off my game. I recognize that I feel uncertain because I intentionally distance myself from areas of life that are out of my wheelhouse, which I can make no semi-accurate analysis about. Psychologists call it "issues with control." I am sort of good at sitting back and feeling things. I am not so good at doing that in a foreign territory situation. All along I've tried to find grace and gratitude, but as someone with a limited filter and very short patience for injustice, I guess I have to be true to myself. So, here goes. 

Quick disclaimer: This is a letter that I wrote to the owner and operator of a bridal boutique shop in an affluent northwest suburb of Chicago following a brief (and of course, gratitude-filled) but negatively impactful experience dress shopping for my wedding. Whether you identify as a woman, man, or otherwise, I believe you can try and step into my shoes and the shoes of other brides-to-be (or grooms) for a moment. It's a long read, but please read it all the way through. My hope in putting this out there is solely for advocacy-related reasons. If you know me and know my heart, you probably know that I am aware of life's inconsistencies, contradictions, confusion, and chaos just as much as I am aware of its undeniable beauty. It's all around us. I, like many of you, embrace all I have been blessed with, even experiences that are glazed with disappointment. 

Dear Bridal Boutique Owner,

On Friday, August 11, 2017, I jumped out of bed with a special type of excitement that I am certain billions of women before me have felt - that unique intersection of nervousness and joy which only a girl (or boy) about to find a wedding dress knows. The day started out great. Accompanied by my mom and wedding planner, we stopped at a nearby bridal shop that I've been driving by for most of my life and began our journey.

The wonderful staff escorted me into a private fitting room where we went over dress options and sizes, and my own personal style. The lady helping me brought out a variety of dresses and explained that the larger sizes I'd try on would be clipped because they don't have every single size in every single dress available. I tried on a few types of dresses before focusing on styles because as a size 12-14 my entire adult life, I wanted a dress to appreciate my curves, not ignore them or confuse them for unattractive aspects of my body, as society tends to do. When I found the fit and flare style I knew it was perfect for me. I felt beautiful. After trying on 4 dresses in that style I came across "the dress," but before purchasing it I wanted to see what else was out there in similar styles.

I had an appointment at your boutique later in the day and when I arrived, a sign greeted me with my name. I loved that specialized, personal touch that this was "my" time. My wedding planner booked the appointment weeks back and informed the scheduler of my size and other details. When I walked in I was greeted nicely by your staff and began looking around for dresses. Many of them jumped out at me and I was excited to try them on. But, when I entered the dressing room and began trying on each dress, all of them were a size too small for me. I knew they wouldn't fit me appropriately at all let alone comfortably. It was impossible to get a sense of how each dress looked because the dresses barely fit me. If I am a size 12-14 in everyday clothes, then I am a size 16 in formalwear. When I asked for a different size I was told there weren't any other sizes and at one point I was told "we don't carry many bigger sizes but we do have a plus size collection that we can order for if you want to come back." This is when things took a different turn for me.

I went from annoyed to angry in a matter of moments. I am sure the nice lady helping me was just as frustrated as I was. All she wanted to do was help me. But, instead of apologizing and saying, "I'm sorry this is the only size we have for this dress," her explanation made it seem like it was my fault for being built the way I am, and that it would require a "special" order for “people like me”. I have been told variations of these statements many times throughout my life, which has often left me feeling as though I "should" be smaller. I cannot tell you how many dressing rooms I've been in where literally nothing has fit. For someone who works out 4-5 days a week and eats healthy 90% of the time, I have accepted that my body is built the way it is and I should love and cherish it. When planning our visit to your boutique we were told there would be a variety of dresses available for me to choose from. This is after my size was mentioned. So, on the one day of my life where I didn't think I would have to worry for a second about the options available to purchase a piece of clothing as expensive as a wedding dress, I once again was made to feel like it was my fault that there weren't any options for me. I felt so invisible, unimportant and ashamed. A woman with thinner skin may not have been able to look at herself in the mirror. As a clinical social worker, I support women everyday who may not have been able to mentally cope and resort to self-harm, substance abuse, harmful sexual behaviors, and even attempting suicide. I had two incredibly strong women with me that day who reminded me that the atrocity of this experience actually falls on you as the business owner and is not a reflection of me and who I am or how I look.

If you truly believe the quote you have on your website that "every girl deserves to feel like a princess..." you really should send out a survey for evidence that this idea is being fulfilled. Because for me, it was the total opposite, and I was only in your shop for 20 minutes. The average American woman is a size 14-16. Just because a vendor sends you one sample size doesn't mean you cannot order additional sizes to fit a robust group of women. From a business standpoint, you are missing a massive amount of clientele, but that's your loss and certainly not mine. I also believe your staff could use training on how to address this issue. It has got to be tough for them to have to perpetuate stigma around body types, and I feel bad that they are put in that position. Unfortunately for them, these difficult conversations will continue to happen. As the business owner, you can change that through sensitivity and client care training. You're losing money by not spending money to retain clients.

I already found my dress at another shop, and I should have stopped my search then and there. But, I'm glad I had this experience because it reminded me that we all have room to grow. I will not be recommending your shop to any of my friends or family members, but I have hope that letting you know about my experience will encourage you to alter your sales and customer service model. 

As I write this I think about my little sisters who are battling society's views of them whether they know it or not. Lucky for them, they have women in their lives who are positive influences. Because they are small, they won't ever experience exactly what I have regarding body type and for that, I am glad and grateful. But, at one point in their lives, they will be treated unfairly or feel “less than” simply because they are women. It could be through less pay than their male counterparts, double standards, bullying, or even a negative dressing room moment they regret. I’m not sure if you have a daughter, but she will experience it, too. The only way this can change is through women supporting other women. We all deserve to feel empowered enough to fight for our worth. Again, it starts with women fighting for other women. And by spending just a bit more money, time, and energy you can do that, too.

I am aware that most people would not tell you exactly how their negative experience made them feel because I understand that people do not deal with confrontation well. I am someone who has to confront injustices every single day in my job. As a social worker and member of our society, it is a part of my responsibility list to identify issues that can cause harm. I run a nonprofit organization focused on helping people struggling with substance use disorders and their loved ones. I serve them and my staff. So, they come first. Not me. Whether or not you want the responsibility, simply by owning and operating a business catered to women means that a critical part of your job is to uphold the value of being a woman. Others may uphold womanhood through running for senate or organizing a rally. But, through working with women every day and in such a sensitive way, you have the power to make or break their experience with such an important part of womanhood. You are a part of their story. Am I saying that you are to blame for my feelings? No. I own those. But, those feelings could have been avoided entirely with slight alterations in the business model that I was presented with. My hope in writing this letter is that you'll consider your important position in our corner of the world. Every time you engage with a fellow female - whether in your business, in your home, or in your heart -  you are reflecting their value in how you treat them.

Best of luck,

Chelsea Laliberte

Proud size 12-14

P.S. I see that you have updated your company’s Yelp page with some interesting and untrue comments in response to my mother’s original comment about her experience. You called me emotional (what can I say? It was my bridal dress shopping day, after all, and I was expecting to have a special experience) and your sales associate exaggerated my tone and incorrectly recalled the words I said. You weren’t there in that moment, so I guess you have to take her word for it. The thing is, I was there and I know what I said, which I stated above. I strongly encourage you to take a look at the way you are handling this situation and reevaluate it. Take a step back from it for some time. When you create a Yelp page for your business you open yourself up to a variety of reviews. This includes negative reviews or mediocre reviews. People are entitled to their opinions about their experiences at your store. That’s why my organization has a Facebook page. We want to know what we are doing well and what we can improve on or consider altering. On a weekly basis, we receive comments from people who don’t agree with our stances on certain topics. People have become aggressive or insensitive in the past. But, I know that my job is not to try to change their minds. My job is push our mission forward and with that comes learning from and accepting the opinions of people who don’t agree with you. What would I be saying if I argued or pushed away every person who had a different perspective? I’d be saying that they are not entitled to that perspective, and that is not my right. It is not your right to tell me or my mother that we are wrong. It’s your right to learn from it and fix it for the next Chelsea or Jody who walks into your store.